Looking back to when I was young, I have never really been satisfied despite having my basic needs met. I've been flexible to tailor whatever grandiose idea arose to harvest pity and find temporary comfort in my mind. Short lived and unproductive, it becomes an exhausting and daunting task over time usually ending up with the same unwanted result. I always imagined how external things could be improved to better suit my needs, often at the expense of others. It is these selfish endeavors that claim space in my mind preventing personal growth and cultivating negative experiences time after time. I have found as time has gone by; satisfaction is managed much better by adjusting my expectations. For me that doesn’t change much but seems to sit a bit more gentile. I know there still must be more, a sure way to quiet my mind from racing thoughts that overwhelm me daily. I am not alone and there is a path toward sanity should I choose. I remain on the fence still looking to find the loophole, some shortcut to happiness.
Feeling different than my peers and alone while surrounded by people, I forge a blind trail of self-discovery with the help of medical professionals. Constantly chasing the elusive pursuit of perfection is an impossible task that I’m learning to accept. No matter what it was, it was never enough. In all my endeavors and undertakings, most have one thing in common. I mimic that of a rocket ship, going full speed toward my destination, reaching the pinnacle only to be left thinking what next? Of course, we all want more of some things and less of others, but moderation was not in my vocabulary. That line remains blurred, teetering on the line of realistic and hopeless pipe dreams. I dream up borderline delusional concepts and ideas of what I think should be. I have yet to figure it out and don’t anticipate I will any time soon unless I change my thinking and approach. I am my own worst enemy.
Setting small goals and achieving them was not an attribute I latched onto like so many people do. Finding balance and harmony in my life has always been a struggle, yet it's where I thrive. Structure and direction are corner stones I rely on, yet I go to great lengths to avoid falling in line. It is as though I am fighting against the very thing I'm looking for. Seemingly to take up time proving invalid points and justify my actions. It has always been one extreme to another while the consequences outweigh all logic and reason.
The space in between is plain, vanilla pudding as I call it. It almost seems like my rebellious spirit wanted to push the limit to the end or close enough to get burned. I didn't realize at the same time I was grasping for structure; I was creating chaos and was not willing to give in. There has been extensive thought on how to attain what was out of my reach, never finding a clear path. My mind built a wall halting me from trying something if there was any chance of failure. Through others experience I find resilience and determination keep me going in search of hope and comfort. A constant battle simply to mask externally what is eating me inside has plagued me for years. It is that torment in my mind, a never-ending story full of make-believe scenarios that never come to fruition. It is impossible to fail at something I didn’t try, a mindset used as a crutch. I still live with these fleeting ideas, thinking there is some glimmer of hope that the impossible will land in my lap with no effort at all. Such has not been the case, always looking for the shortcut leading me to miss out on so many valuable learning experiences. I learn the hard way. It’s as though that was the only way I would learn. It is the struggle to reason and understand that took me to my knees time after time. I had become the master of self-sabotage. The worst part about it, I have become used to it, finding comfort and confidence to dig my way out once again. Through each experience I acquired new tools better preparing myself for the next of many hard lessons. Meanwhile, I could be focusing my energy on much more productive undertakings, such as finding a clear path to keep me out of that proverbial hole I continued to dig. I have learned there is a solution but often fail to implement a long-term productive plan of action. I know I will always remain in this cycle of insanity unless I surrender daily. My battles are much shorter these days but equally brutal still finding myself wondering why I am so stubborn and cruel to myself.
It has taken the better part of my life to begin to learn the importance of the little things and keep it simple. A task so challenging I end up baffled by my conclusions due to over thinking and trying to outsmart my disease. I accept that I am and will always be an alcoholic. When I surrender, everything seems to make a little more sense, yet I still reach for the can of gas wondering what if. This mixed with the complex nature of my thought process makes it difficult to see a clear path ahead. I remain hopeful, ever placing the value of an open mind and willingness to move forward one day at a time. I embrace today the best I can, live in the moment and keep my eyes open to the world of unknown as I discover more about myself. The story of who am I will always remain to be continued.
To Be Continued...
